Abs of Steel

Abs of Steel

 

Did you ever buy one of those exercise videos that promises to turn one body part or another into some sort of very hard metal?  I admit, I’ve fallen prey to this a few times.  They really ought to be forced to name these videos more accurately, like “Buns of Pudding” or “Tapioca Thighs”, or perhaps “Abs of applesauce”.  Assholes!  Well, maybe to get the body parts of steel you have to perform the exercises on the videos instead of just buy them.  Note to self; “use videos.”  Second note to self; “people use DVD’s now and not videos.”

My son could actually produce a successful exercise and flexibility DVD (I used the modern term) if only he gave a crap about things like income, profits, corporations, or physical fitness for that matter.

To try his secret, sit with your legs crossed over one another.  Now when you think you’ve got the kindergarten style “crisscross applesauce” position down, tighten those legs up a little more and bring your feet over the opposite thigh so they are each touching your torso.  Do this without any sign of straining.  Place your right hand in concentration position over the right side of your mouth with your palm facing down and proceed to make the motorbike sound with your lips pursed tightly.  (Trust me that part is important.)  Now that you have yourself all set up, relax every muscle in your body as if it has turned to pudding; but NOT your Abs.  Now while keeping  yourself in that position, lean forward without breaking form until your chest hits almost to your legs and then back up to fully upright.  Do one set of a gazillion of these daily for approximately fourteen years and Voila!  Abs of steel!  See?  Nothing to it!

My Husband can hold my son completely upside down and he will sit straight up in mid air without any sign of straining and could do this hundreds of times if he felt the mood.

 My son often times removes himself from family activities and goes to a quiet place to do these exercises.  I remember one particular time that the entire family decided to do what he was doing and see if anyone could keep up.  After about thirty minutes, three teenagers and two adults had burning abs and a complete inability to sit or bend correctly for about a week following.

Chuck Norris has nothing on this kid!